Ischgl, Austria: Go for the (mildly humiliating) skiing lessons... and stay for the views

Strapped in: Skiing in Ischgl, Austria
Robin de Peyer27 January 2018

You don’t learn to ski as an adult. You just don’t. Either you’ve been lucky enough to wing a school trip or were taught by your oh-so active parents before you could even walk properly, or you sit on the sidelines and sneer at your friends who have a grand or two to blow on their annual pilgrimages to the Alps.

Invariably, these friends will inform you of the error of your ways. “There’s no feeling like it,” they’ll tell you as you study their (usually bearded) faces in a state of bewilderment as the size of their trust fund and/or salary hurtles into view. Patiently, you explain to them that you’d really rather gorge on food and wine in the Med for an extra week than blow your holiday in tacky après-ski bars.

And then, eventually, you give in and find yourself being strapped in to a pair of skis by a sickeningly handsome Dutchman on his gap year.

You’re on the nursery slope, preparing for your first foray into the art of “snow-ploughing” as your friends abandon you for the exhilaration of the black runs. Children slide past your knees with a confidence you can’t ever remember possessing. They may yet to fully master the art of walking, but the three-year-olds of Ischgl in the Austrian Alps already seem to be able to ski to a level which at this moment seems frankly Olympian to me.

You exchange a nervous glance with the only adult learner in sight. The camaraderie is real.

For the less experienced, ski lifts provide breathtaking views

My half-Dutch, half-Russian teacher, Vlad – who has the air of a man whose main aim during his ski season is to charm as many women into his bed as is humanly possible – can only be bored out of his well-insulated skull by the undignified sight of me trying desperately to stay on my feet as I shuffle to the top of the mound down which I’m destined to fall.

To his credit, he does a fine job of hiding it and I’m soon slipping and sliding around the unforgiving environs of the nursery slope with the unmistakable panache of Bambi on ice.

But Vlad preserves, and soon I’m on the move. “Schnowplough, schnowplough, schnowplough,” he yells at me in his near-but-not-quite perfect English as I hurtle towards him at speeds of not less than 6mph without any clear idea of how I can possibly stop.

Real skiers with actual ability descend from the mountain-tops

For the fifth time, he explains where exactly it is I’m going wrong and after a couple more attempts on a nursery run, I’m entering the big boy slope where the five and six-year-olds are congregating. Fortunately, after two short and not spectacularly unsuccessful runs, during which I find myself looking up at Vlad like a too-eager-to-please primary school swot seeking the approval of a bored teacher, I’m rescued by lunch.

As we hitch a ride on what appears to be a proper ski lift for proper skiers, it dawns on me: my friends who harp on about the sheer ecstasy of slaloming down a black slope are missing the point. The point is that the whole place is breathtakingly beautiful. The snowy peaks of the Austrian and Swiss Alps stretch out before us during a meal at Pardorama – a restaurant with a name that sounds as if it’s apologising for its staggering views – with thick powder snow interspersed with smoothed out runs zig-zagging down and among the mountains.

Before long, though, the skiing fraternity have decided it’s high time they risk life and limb and throw themselves down the mountain. Myself, I choose to descend via a combination of lift and zip wire, dangling in a harness 50 metres above a wooded gorge before a rather abrupt end and a dalliance with après-ski culture.

Day two, and with an appropriately fuzzy head I take to the slopes again for a few hours of one to one tuition and before long, I find myself actually beginning to grasp concepts as daunting as turning and regulating my own speed.

Skiers' paradise: Ischgl in Austria

At the end of a surprisingly enjoyable few hours of face-plants after watching my skis veer in different directions, I seem to be getting the hang of it. I appear, in the space of a couple of days, to have learned the basics of skiing and yes, I admit, I had quite a lot of fun in the process.

That’s not to say that removing my ski boots – which I fear were the invention of some a mediaeval torturer – and sitting with a Weissbeer to enjoy the view wasn’t perhaps the best bit.

Stunning views: the mountains above Ischgl

If - like me - you’ve postponed learning to ski until you’re basically a bit too old, don’t believe your friends who tell you that in a few hours you’ll be gliding down the slopes without a care in the world. You won’t. Your brain will hurt from concentrating on not falling over and you’ll feel like amputating your lower legs to escape the pain of your ski boots.

But you’re also liable to have a pretty good time grinning at your instructor for approval and confidently claiming over a long lunch that you’re well on the way to mastering the sport.

And if not? Your best bet is to marvel at the view that the others are too busy escaping by hurling themselves down a hill at top speed. It doesn’t get old in a hurry.

Your trip to Ischgl, Austria

Inghams is offering a seven night holiday on a half board basis at the four-and-a-half-star Hotel Brigitte in Ischgl, Austria, from £1,219 per person based on two sharing in April 2018. Price includes return flights from London Gatwick to Innsbruck and airport transfers. To book, visit www.inghams.co.uk/ski-holidays or call 01483 791 114.